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Top 5 Ways to Protect Your Television From “Flying Rage Controllers” Once Dark Souls 3 is Released

/ Apr 11th, 2016 1 Comment

Dark Souls III

From Software’s newest offering, Dark Souls 3, is set to be released in the U.S. on April 12 to the delight of masochists around the world. Known for putting out games that provide players with a substantial challenge, the studio is not only associated with the jubilation gamers feel when they clear a level, but also with the crippling acrimony and frustration people feel during the process.

With this in mind, I thought it prudent to suggest five ways in which you might protect your television from catastrophic damage when a dragon swoops down and causes you to lose 30,000 souls or more.

5. Pillows and Duct Tape



Duct tape is the best tool.

“Old Trusty” here is also on the list for “Top 5 Ways to Make Your Children Behave,” but it made this particular list because of its simplistic elegance. Sure, this makes it difficult to actually see the television to play the game, but isn’t that what got you so upset in the first place?

4.  Sporadic Meditation



Release yourself from the frustration that is Dark Souls.

Did some undead creature just thrust its sword at you, causing you to stumble off of a ledge and lose a plethora of souls? It may be time for you to get centered. Find your bliss. You’re running through a meadow where no undead creature can cause you any harm. In this peaceful place, souls aren’t used for currency at all, so there’s no need to fret about the fact that you lost the ones you’ve spent an hour and a half collecting. You’re but a whisper in a gentle breeze.

3. Hire NFL Cornerback Richard Sherman to Defend Your Television Against the Pass



Defense wins championships.

We must accept angrily throwing controllers as an inevitability here. You may think you’re above such childish temper tantrums, but you’re not. I know you. I was there the night that you punched the wall when you realized someone had finished the last four Nutter Butters.

The point is, if you’re going to throw the controller, why not hire someone who is qualified to defend against the pass? Enter: Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman. Nothing gets by this guy. Just don’t try him with a sorry receiver like Michael Crabtree.

2. Selection Redacted



Drugs are bad, children. Mmkay.

The author’s suggestion has been removed. Gaming Illustrated does not endorse or condone the use of illegal drugs for any purpose even if the use of said drugs has a calming effect that ultimately saves you hundreds of dollars on a new television.

1. Abstinence



99% of the time, it works every time.

Let’s be honest, this one isn’t even really an option. For those of us who have suffered through From Software games, we have come to not only embrace but crave the anguish that accompanies these experiences. The game continually spanks us and we want to get angry and throw our controllers, but all we end up doing is just yelling “harder!” Why? Because even though the journey through these games is undoubtedly difficult, completing the journey is among the most satisfying experiences in the world of video games. So, is it going to test you? Definitely. But when we were punished by Dark Souls 2 and Bloodborne, we just told From Software, “Thank you, Sir. May I have another?” And they obliged… with Dark Souls 3. Relish the pain on April 12.


Michael Mays

Michael Mays

Michael Mays graduated from Concord University with a B.A. in both Sociology and History with an emphasis in Philosophy before moving on to obtain his M.S. in Criminal Justice. Realizing that these degrees and six figures of crippling debt only made him roughly three nightly Jeopardy answers better, he decided it was time to pursue his lifelong passion... competitive snorkeling. That didn't work out, so now he writes about video games.

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One response to “Top 5 Ways to Protect Your Television From “Flying Rage Controllers” Once Dark Souls 3 is Released”

  1. Christopher Lyons says:

    If I could add one more to the list.
    6. Keep telling yourself “I am not good at video games”
    Most people aren’t very good at games. Here is the worst part. Most people think they are good at games. See the problem? You get mad because you don’t like to lose. Nobody likes to lose, but you need to look at losing as learning how to get better.
    With all the hand holding in most games today it’s no wonder people get mad when they get stuck at a certain part.

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