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South Park: The Stick of Truth’s Ridiculous Possible Bosses

/ Jan 1st, 2013 2 Comments

South Park: The Stick of Truth
South Park: The Stick of Truth

South Park: The Stick of Truth

Obsidian Entertainment’s collaboration with the creators of the terrifically successful South Park animated franchise, the upcoming game South Park: The Stick of Truth, shows signs of promise that players will finally be able to experience the sublime madness of being a resident of the most absurd and terrifying fictional little town in all of Colorado. Inexplicably linked to South Park is a menagerie of monstrosities both beastly and human, and the responsibility of facing down some of the series’ loved (and hated) antagonists lies with “the new kid” out to prove his cool. Here are some of the potential, not-at-all-confirmed encounters players could face when the game launches this year:

Russel Crowe

[adsense250itp]Possibly merged in some horrific magical fashion with his miserably loyal steamboat pal Tugger into Russell-Tugger the Croweboat, he could continue to sail the world, “singing” and randomly assaulting hapless passerby with his Australian vim and vigor, all backed by the strength of timber and steel–leaving poor Tugger wishing for death yet again.

The Woodland Critters

Featured in one of the most disturbing episodes and teased in the official trailer, this posse of Hail-Satan blood-cultists could join together to form a multi-part boss scenario, with players strategizing the best way to handle incoming attacks and target strikes to skin the fiendish creatures and rob them of their unholy powers. Demonic invasion? Try an abortion! (It is currently unclear if an “abortion attack” will be in the final game–fingers crossed!)

Jenkins the Griefer

Picture it: a boss players climb like the Colossi in Shadow of the Colossus –he’s somehow gotten even fatter and must now be tackled like a shambling Everest of Cheeto-stains and pustulant skin. He’s back for revenge, and through a liberal application of deep-fried foods has managed to transform himself into the hulking mountain wheezing before the player. Hopefully, Jenkins’ inclusion wouldn’t break the game like when he dominated WoW.

Dark Horse Candidate: Evil Jesus…

…from the Good-Cartman-dimension featured in the episode “Spookyfish”. Parker and Stone are notorious and, in a way, respected for their willingness to drag anything and everything through the mud for a good hard laugh, and what’s more knee-slappingly blasphemous than an evil King of Kings? “Evil Jeeze” could even bring Stan’s homicidal goldfish along for the ride. Terrorizing our heroes with confusing doppelgangers and a murderous fish? Win!

Eric Cartman

He is, after all, South Park’s ultimate villain–the worst of the worst, a sick, mentally-deranged cancer of a human being who never seems to grow from his failures. A monster that made a juvenile-minded enemy consume the flesh of his own dead parents. In the end, Cartman signifies all that is wrong with the town, and why we love it: he’s so much fun to hate.  And admit it–we’re all more than ready to pound the crap out of the little beefcake!

Keep in mind, there are seasons’ worth of material to pick epic boss battles from. Obsidian could go as far back to the days of Mecha Streisand. Who would you like to fight in South Park: The Stick of Truth?  Sound off in the comments below.

Matthew Allen
Matthew is a contributor to Gaming Illustrated and likes games that are full of kinetic gameplay, great layered storytelling and innovation in the exploration of the medium and the genre represented.
Matthew Allen

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2 responses to “South Park: The Stick of Truth’s Ridiculous Possible Bosses”

  1. handy says:

    Plenty of Bosses to pick here:

    Mecha Streisand
    Those giant hamsters that are kept away with the Peruvian flute musicians.
    Darth Chef (and that fruity little club)
    Tom Cruise
    Rob Reiner

  2. Tiddleywinks says:

    Please, oh please have an early boss be mr.garrisons penis complete with it singing “somewhere” and you chasing it around town, maybe even just to get used to the layout. Other than that manbearpig, and the “life is sh..ty” matrix group. A quest where you aide the defense of the whaling ships too would be great. OH last one the Mccain obama election as well.

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