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Kalvin Cheers to Greg’s Cheers to Gaming: Beeronetta 2

/ Dec 25th, 2014 No Comments

Bayonetta 2

Throughout time, man has pondered ways to make video games more enjoyable. Like most things, alcohol was the answer. Greg’s Cheers to Gaming is a series of pieces in which editor Greg Johnson combines gaming with alcohol to make an even more interesting game.

Throughout time, senior editor Kalvin has enjoyed both video games and alcohol, and Greg’s Cheers to Gaming.

It’s Christmas, and what better way to celebrate than with video games and heavy drinking? For the cheeriest of Cheers to Gaming, what better game to play than Bayonetta 2, which is the Die Hard of video games.

Bayonetta 2 is possibly man’s greatest achievement in any field. Landing a robot on a comet is nothing when compared to Bayonetta’s posh accent and killer moves as she fights through hordes of angels and demons to restore her friend’s lost soul.

While Bayonetta 2 is easy to get into, it takes time to master and rewards adept players with halos and trophies. The drinking version of Bayonetta 2 is Beeronetta 2, and it will get you *%#@ed up.

Oh, So Cheeky

Only after a few months after her first adventure, “Cereza” is back at it. Despite a delightful shopping trip with Italian American stereotype, Enzo, she gets roped back into the world of angels and demons. As Enzo and her shop for Christmas presents, a group of angels attack. Bayonetta and Jeanne are able to stop the attack, but in the process Jeanne’s soul is claimed. To save her friend, Bayonetta must embark on a dangerous journey. This time she must battle her way to the true Gates of Hell and into Inferno.

Bayonetta 2

Keep them combos true and pure, and you’ll be rewarded.

Bayonetta 2 is currently a Wii U ‘sclusey. So to play the game, you’ll need to find someone with a Wii U or buy one yourself (it is worth it tbh).

Things in the game are relatively straight forward. You fight angels and demons as you go through the various chapters in the game. Each fight (verse) is graded for time, damage and combos. So the better you perform, the better your grade is after the fight ends. The grading goes is stone, bronze, silver, gold, platinum and pure platinum. Skipping a verse will adversely affect your final chapter grade, this is important so don’t forget it.

Suggestive Nuendo

Beeronetta 2 is all about performance, and performance issues will penalize you quite horribly. It can be played alone like the misanthropic Grinch you are, or with friends like the Fred Claus you wish you were. The solo version requires you to have a beer or several handy because you gon’ drink a lot, daugie.

While it is hipster chic to drink a PBR or some other similar cheap American beer, this is Bayonetta and the cheap stuff won’t suffice (unless you are drinking Mickey’s). So treat your self and get the good stuff, be hip with an IPA or if you really want to stay with the theme, a few Arrogant Bastards. Also, keep a bottle of your finest (or most plastic) hard liquor nearby. To make this fun, grab whatever you think you’d buy Bayonetta at a bar only to have her call you a diminutive name, splash the drink in your face and saunter away.

Bayonetta 2

This is going to be a night full of booze, bae.

The game combines the best parts of movie and video game drinking games. During the cut scenes, you take a sip from your brew every time something bat $#*& crazy happens like Bayonetta jump kicking a fighter jet, Bayonetta uses some not so subtle innuendo, Bayonetta calls someone a diminutive nickname, or something overtly sexual happens like gratuitous spread eagle shots. This might get you drunk on its own.

The other half is performance. Solo play requires a normal difficulty or higher (as long as it is unlocked). Drinking will take place during each verse in a chapter. Every time you take damage you take a pull from your beer. And using items or dying is a sin, so punishment is fierce, you must take a nip of your hard liquor for any death or item use.

Any verse score under silver requires a short chug of your beer, and any chapter rank under gold requires you to finish off a beer. However, for those perfectly imperfect at the game, you are in for doom because every stone ranking requires you to take a shot. So the better you do, the less drunk you’ll get. Mastering witch time (dodging at the last second) is key to success and not getting too wasted.

Bayonetta Has A Posse and So Do You

Bayonetta doesn’t go it alone, and neither do you. As we’ve discovered in the best drinking games, playing with friends always makes things better. So find your cast of delightful misfits like Luka, Loki, Enzo and Rodin, think up funny nicknames, and get to drinking together. You and your friends can choose to switch off the controller for every verse or one person plays until chapter completion. Either one results in some fun drinking shenanigans.

Bayonetta 2

Get the squad together and drink.

The rules remains pretty much in tact as the solo play except you can lower the difficulty to accommodate novices. However, this will reward the more experienced because playing with friends adds a wrinkle to the game. For any player that scores a verse rank of pure platinum, the other players must take chug a beer (a supply of the cheap stuff can be used for this). For chapter play, every pure platinum rank at the end of the chapter results in everyone taking a shot. It is going to be a night full of drunk confessions because the drunker you get, the worse you’ll play.

Christmas Time is Dear

For those looking to drink with friends far away, use Tag Climax (and webcams to ensure people are properly drinking). Similar rules apply, the better you do then the less you drink. Every time one person dies and has to be revived, they have to take a long pull from their beer. The winner of each round forces the loser to chug a beer, and if you both fail to win then you both take shots.

Bayonetta 2

Get ready to drumble.

Bayonetta 2 is a pure expression of fast-paced, adrenaline packed action. Beeronetta 2 is a way to enjoy that climax inducing action with the joys of alcohol and loved ones. You will get very drunk playing this game, so drink responsibly. Don’t drive your go kart home after, and make sure to remember who did you the most wrong in the game. That way during Festivus next year, you have some serious grievances for the pole.

Kalvin Martinez

Kalvin Martinez

Senior Editor at Gaming Illustrated
Kalvin Martinez studied Creative Writing at the University of California, Santa Cruz. He writes reviews, prose and filthy limericks. While he is Orange County born, he now resides in Portland, OR. He is still wondering what it would be like to work at a real police department. Follow Kalvin on Twitter @freepartysubs
Kalvin Martinez

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