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5 Ways to Play with Yourself This Valentine’s Day

/ Feb 13th, 2015 No Comments

Bayonetta 2

Sure, everything this time of year is forcefully reminding you Valentine’s Day is for lovers. But what if you don’t have a special hunk or hunkette at the moment or you don’t buy into this cynically designed holiday to celebrate love in the grossest way possible? Don’t worry, video games are always here for you.

Instead of watching that 36-hour marathon of Chuck or reading dinosaur erotica, get into these games to forget about Valentine’s Day.

Mass Effect 2 – Xbox 360, PS3, PC

Mass Effect 2 remains one of the finest games in the previous generations of consoles. Part of its major appeals is its large diverse, colorful cast of characters. Many of the characters can be romanced, and if you’re lucky, you can get lucky.

Mass Effect 2

Hey girl

What better way to dull the gnawing pain of being solo bolo on this holiday then fostering a fake real relationship with Jacob or Miranda, or if you’re into something a bit more on the wild side, Garrus of Tali.

Dragon Age Inquisition – PS4, PS3, Xbox One, Xbox 360, PC

It’s obvious Bioware cares about creating realistic relationships in its video games with true to life romantic interests. Regardless if you’re a giant Quanari giantess wielding a giant sword with acre of chainmail or a tiny dwarf cleric, there is someone to love in Dragon Age Inquisition.

Dragon Age Inquisition

My mustache is telling me now! But my body, my body is telling me yes!

Just remember when you have the option to seal the deal, you gotta get in them sheets. So why not spit some game while you game and slay dragons on Valentine’s Day.

Persona 4 (Golden) – PS3, PS Vita

No finer game replicates the high school experience than the Persona series. Persona 4 and Persona 4 Golden stand out not only as one of the best in the series, but one of the best in the genre. What makes Persona 4 so compelling is its deep character development through interpersonal relationships. While your main concern is fostering relationships with your core investigation team, there are many other students to get to know.

Persona 4

Chie knows what’s up, she ain’t falling for no Zack Morris bush league stuff.

You can enter a relationship with the four core female characters and a few randos from around the school. So, if you’re diligent and suave, you can get a sweet high school girlfriend. However, the only choice is Chie, and if you choose otherwise, you’re an awful human being.

Bayonetta 2 – Wii U

There is only one person able to take your mind off the fact that you don’t have a date on Valentine’s Day. That person happens to be a statuesque, lithe woman that is all limbs: Bayonetta. Regardless of what gender you identify with or your sexuality, Bayonetta will bewitch you from go. The opening cinematic alone is enough to steal anyone’s heart, especially when she removes her Sunday’s best. It is enough to make you want to shove a finger into Bayonetta’s mouth.

It has been well documented here that Bayonetta 2 is a fantastic game. This Valentine’s Day, turn the difficulty up to max, get your combos and witch time down, and get your sadomasochism on as you try to pure platinum the game.

Broforce – PC

The running themes for these games are playing by yourself, because you know, sads. This is the singular exception because Broforce is rad in a 1980s sense of the word. However, while you can play Broforce alone, the game becomes truly special when you play with some, well, bros. How can you virtual high five while you IRL high five without some other bros around you?


Bro out, bro.

A brand new update adding aliens — inspired by the Alien film franchise — to the game went live, giving players some new incentive to revisit. So gather up some other lonely hearts, four Xbox 360 controllers, and prepare to bro out.


Kalvin Martinez

Kalvin Martinez

Senior Editor at Gaming Illustrated
Kalvin Martinez studied Creative Writing at the University of California, Santa Cruz. He writes reviews, prose and filthy limericks. While he is Orange County born, he now resides in Portland, OR. He is still wondering what it would be like to work at a real police department. Follow Kalvin on Twitter @freepartysubs
Kalvin Martinez

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